Movie Review - Elf

The Plot - While making the rounds Christmas Eve, Santa unwittingly picks up an extra passenger on a stop at an orphanage. Arriving back at the North Pole Santa discovers Buddy in his sack of goodies. Santa decides to keep Buddy and his most trusted elf Papa raises the little one as his own. The years pass and Buddy eventually figures out he’s not an elf like everyone else. Shattered by this discovery he goes on a quest to find his real father in New York. It won’t be all ice skating & sugar plums though as Buddy’s father is on Santa’s naughty list.

The Review - Elf is one of those movies people either love or hate. Fortunately for me, I was thoroughly entertained. The humor in this film falls squarely on the physical, buffoonery of Will Ferrell and he does a good job of creating a character that is likable as an adult acting like a naive child.

The first thing I noticed about this film was how it captured the nostalgia of all the Christmas claymation TV specials I watched growing up. The opening sequence made me wish I was home with the family chillin’ in front of the fireplace with some eggnog. Cue the narration by Bob Newhart (excellent casting choices in this film), and after a little background story on Will’s character we flash forward and dive head first into the plot. Not that there is much of a plot, but then I don’t think that is the point of this film.

The film wins by playing to its target audience - families - and by delivering a solid comedic performance. I laughed through the entire film. I don’t think any of the jokes were original, but not since Chevy Chase have I seen someone deliver prat falls and physical humor that just worked. I also enjoyed the bits of humor that the writers slipped in like the story about the Asparagus with stinky pee. The timing seemed perfect given the recent consumer focus.

It wouldn’t surprise me if this movie becomes a holiday classic like The Christmas Story.

Grade: A (holiday fun for all ages)

Paris Hilton & Rick Salomon: A Photo Essay

I tried, I really did. I promised you dear readers that I wasn’t going to do it. Well curiosity got the best of me (that and the need for some sort of blog entry) so I sat down and watched the Paris Hilton three minute preview. I won’t attempt a critique, the ladies have said plenty enough for all of us. As usual Rob took the free publicity and spun it into his own brand of humor. I envy the shrewd net savvy of Mr. Perry who like Paul seemed to be all over the story from the start.

The thing that alarms me is night vision video becoming the next big thing. I’m not really interested in seeing anyone no matter how cute or ugly washed over in a green hue. A little searching around the `net and it didn’t take long for me to find some other pics of those looking to be the next girl behind the green door. Wake up America, amateur porn was not meant to be recorded in infrared.

With anticipation brewing over the second Paris Hilton sex video (which is rumored to feature a Playboy playmate), I thought it best to dig up some of the back story surrounding the first video.

It took several days of research, but in the style of Tony Pierce here’s my first ever photo essay on the subject.

Caption Time

MY INNER-CHILD OWNS ME…

Law Degree

Law Degree
I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn’t afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It’s a ’70 Mustang,and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.

I’m driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over-aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.

Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.

She proceeds to yell in my window, “Hey, slow down you idiot.” I’m a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, “Jerk” at me again. Twice?

I turn around and drive up next to her. “Do you have a problem?” I ask.

“Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?”

“I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?”

“You were speeding. I watched you.”

“You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?” (Ever the interrogator)

“I heard you.”

“So, you measured my speed by ear?” (Ed. note: The Doppler Effect could be applicable here)

“I can hear.”

“How fast did you HEAR me going?”

“Look,” she says, “I don’t have to take this. Here comes a cop. I’ll wave him down.”

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding. “What happened?” he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.

“Are those mufflers legal?” Ethel asks.

She’s pushing it. I reply, “I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them.” I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with.

She says, “What about those big tires? They CAN’T be legal.” I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.

“These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429,” I told the cop, “Which makes them street legal as a replacement.”

Ethel gets angry. She whines, “So you’re not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?”

The cop says, “No, I am not.” I’ve about had it. So I say, “Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense.”

“What?” The cop looks confused.

“Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can’t detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn’t measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense.”

The cop says, “But, I didn’t see any of this.”

“But,” I said, “I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I’ll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street.”

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands a trial I won’t prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.

Yeah, I’ve got a law degree, and I’m not afraid to use it.
</joke>

Mobloggin’ Mobloggin’…

… we interrupt our regularly scheduled bikini posting to bring you this geek heavy complaint…

Moblogging is a simple enough idea - configure your blogging software to accept posts w/attachments via e-mail and DING! you can update your blog with your cell phone. At least that’s what I thought I’d be doin’ once I got a toy upgrade. Being the autonomous web guy that I am, I wasn’t about to rely on some outside hosting service to put up a moblog. No, I figured I have the savvy & the technology, shouldn’t be a problem.

Unless you consider the need for Procmail filtering on your webhost. Mine doesn’t have that nor do they have any similar mail technology installed. OK, so I did a search for services that would still allow me to keep my moblog on my webserver. Mfop2 looked promising. Setup an account through their service, send your e-mail to them and they’ll route the post to your Movable Type site. Did a test run over the weekend and ended up with this archaic entry. Drat… foiled again.

At the moment I’m more than just a little annoyed. You see, whenever I send an e-mail from my SprintPCS phone with a picture attachment my original message gets encapsulated in an HTML entry that they create. Sure looks pretty for an AOL user, but if I want to send a PLAIN TEXT MESSAGE from my SprintPCS phone I can’t.

Aarrrrgh!!!

If AOL & Sprint insist that Joe Consumer must have technology training wheels fine, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let us tech savvy peeps turn that shit off. As it is, I’ll have to find (or Lord help me write) a script that sifts through the Sprint generated code to find my message & attachment so they’ll post properly. My other option is to have my moblog hosted on a service like Text America or Buzznet, but I could still run into the same Sprint issue.

If you’re an early adopter using the SprintPCS service and you got your moblog workin’ drop this fella a hint please.

Movie Review - The Matrix Revolutions

The Plot - When we last left Neo & company, he was in a bit of a coma following the rather unique display of power outside the Matrix. The Matrix Revolutions continues from that point with Morpheus & Trinity aboard “The Hammer” one of the few ships that survived an ambush from within the Zion fleet. While planning on how they will return to Zion the crew comes across Niobe’s ship which thankfully is only in need of minor repairs. It’s discovered that somehow Neo has been able to plug into the Matrix without any external equipment and after a brief recovery op, Neo tells everyone that he must make the journey to the heart of the machine city. Niobe volunteers her ship and with Trinity at his side the two crews go there separate ways.

Will Neo complete the tasks necessary to save Zion before the machines reach the heart of the city? Read on to see if you’ll even care…

The Review - Looking around the blogosphere there was quite the rush to see this film… I kid, I kid. Watching The Matrix trilogy is like seeing a great magic trick and then being told how it’s done immediately after. As groundbreaking as the first film was, the illusion was completely dispelled by the inept storytelling and reused ideas in the two sequels. It’s not that there are a lot of plot holes, but it felt like new ideas kept being introduced for the sake of having a new idea. Like a little kid who’s caught in a lie, the rambling continues on incoherently in hopes that eventually what’s being said will come together.

The climax of the movie is yet another kung-fu fight. But wait it’s not exactly like the first fight between Mr. Smith & Neo, there’s FLYING involved. Apparently the dramatic control Neo gained over the Matrix only allowed him to simulate ONE of Superman’s powers. Of course, he now has that freaky Matrix vision whenever he’s not plugged in.

Frankly, when it was all over, I really didn’t care. In fact, I found myself scratching my head wondering what really was so horrible about the Matrix? If it was a choice of living under the illusion of a world where I had a 9-5 job, friends, beer & regular nookie, why in sam hell would I want to know it was all a lie? Thanks for yanking my ass out so I can spend the rest of my adult life underground without online porn. It’s no wonder Cypher ended up a traitor, I know I’d kill for a good steak after a hard day’s work.

I know what you’re thinking - you really didn’t point out any specific details in this review. You are correct dear reader, that’s exactly the kind of impression the film left on me.

Grade: D (I am sooooooo looking forward to the final chapter of the Lord of the Rings trilogy)