Almost… ALMOST… the weekend…

Sitting at school, reading the captions y’all left me. Fun stuff, laughed I did, thank you. It looks like Tony Pierce graced my comments. It’s cool to think of Tony reading my blog, but then I’m happy to know that YOU are reading (and YOU and YOU and YOU).

Happy to see the weekend is almost upon us. Not much planned, but then I take a great amount of pride in that these days. I’ll get two whole days with my baby and NFL Sunday.

On that happy note, let me once again take moment to recognize the folks in California who are not as fortunate as yours truly atm. Our prayers and happy thoughts are still with you, and no I’m not as fundamentalist as the crazy folks Melissa mentioned. (This story is a must read, oh the controversy, O the stupidity, I think I could scare that pastor straight no problem)

I am Jack’s sense of self…

CAPTION THIS PLEASE

Movie Review - Shogun Assassin

The Plot - A loyal samurai, Itto Ogami serves as the Shogun’s official decapitator and leader of his royal armies. The burden of such a position and the stress it causes is washed away every evening when Ogami returns home to his wife & son. As the years pass the Shogun is rumored to have gone mad and his once peaceful reign becomes a paranoid & bloodthirsty campaign. Ever watchful of his enemies, the Shogun’s eyes turn to Ogami. Although a loyal samurai, Ogami is the one man that doesn’t fear the Shogun and this angers him. To teach the samurai humility the Shogun sends ninja to kill Ogami’s wife & son. Their mission is only partly successful and as his wife dies in his arms Ogami swears vengeance on the Shogun and all who align themselves with him. From this moment forward he is no longer Itto Ogami… He is now the “Lone Wolf” - Assassin with son.

The Review - After seeing Kill Bill last weekend, I was reminded of this movie which I first saw with my father back in the early 80’s. Shogun Assassin is actually an Americanized version of the Lone Wolf movies series. This 80’s film splices together the first two Japanese films to create one kung-fu slasher epic. I have not seen the original series, but this version stands up fairly well on its own. I sat down to rewatch the film and while it doesn’t have Kill Bill’s cinematographic flash, there were definitely some great moments.

One of the things that makes this movie work is the narration as told by Ogami’s son Daigoro. Having a gruesome tale repeated by a child creates even more impact when you witness the events onscreen. Throughout the film Ogami hardly ever speaks and his brooding silence is offset by Daigoro’s animated curiosity. I marveled at the similarities in sword play between “The Bride” in Kill Bill and the “Lone Wolf”. I’d be willing to bet Tarantino saw Shogun Assassin at some point as the sword flick Uma uses to whisk the blood of her sword resembled Ogami’s technique. The fight scenes were as graphic (if not a little 80’s cheese) as they were in Kill Bill. You’ll see the same number of limbs severed, tomato red blood spurting and probably a few close-ups Tarantino didn’t get to use in his movie.

I can’t forget to mention the baby cart. Not just a traveling piece, the cart has spring loaded blades and detachable swords which Ogami uses in the movie. In fact, Daigoro is purposely put in harms way armed only with this baby cart. You’ll also see plenty of badass female ninja. In one scene entitled “The Interview” the leader of the Shogun’s ninja clan makes the mistake of questioning the ability of his female counterparts. I won’t give anything away, but it becomes quickly apparent the ladies have no problem cutting down the competition.

You’ll be hard pressed to find a quality copy of this film. While I own a it on DVD there are a lot of defects which lead me to believe the master reels were lost a long time ago. Still it’s worth noting the cinematography which stands out given the decade of the film. Like any good film there are little nuances that slip past you the first time you watch it. In one such scene Daigoro is captured and suspended above a well. There’s hardly any dialogue just a moment where Daigoro kicks off his shoe and lets it drop. Seconds after the shoes splashes, Ogami bursts into action killing all the ninja. It hadn’t occurred to me until I watched the film again that Ogami uses the shoe falling to time the distance of the well. The scene is a powerful one, but very subtle in its delivery.

Well, needless to say I’m a fan of the film, but where does that leave the average viewer? Like Kill Bill, I think this film is appreciated by a certain audience. If you’re a kung-fu buff or want to get an idea of where some of Kill Bill’s inspiration may have come from or you simply want to be amazed by a samurai that fights with a child strapped to his back then this movie is for you.

Grade: A-/B+ (The movie targets a very specific audience and I’d be happier if I could find a quality DVD copy)

Gator IS Spyware

Hope everyone had an enjoyable weekend, I know mine felt fairly productive and I even got to sleep some. Caught Kill Bill (but y’all know that) also managed to see the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (which I’ll review here later). As this is another brief lunchtime update I wanted to point out a few items that you should checkout around the `net:

Da Goddess gives us a closeup view of what the California forest fires are like. Her pictures are as amazing as they are serious in topic and while I envy her camera prowess, I don’t know if I’d want to live that close to all the action. I’m sending prayers & happy thoughts her way and hope that the disaster can be contained.

Jason has a new layout & review up. I’m happy that it was a rap band he eviscerated and not me as I don’t ever want to hear my name and the word “flaccid” used again in the same sentence. *chuckle*

Mr. Perry’s new website No Blood, No Foul is set to launch this evening. Be sure to show up for the premiere as I’m betting it will be a must-see Net event.

Ryan (The Ward) pointed out this story I somehow missed recently. In fact, he had to post it in invisible ink because Gator lawyers think they can strong arm anyone. It seems Gator Corporation doesn’t like their SPYWARE being called spyware. Apparently, they’re taking advantage of the fact that our judicial system is clueless when it comes to technology and suing anyone who dares to refuse the term “adware” when talking about their products. Well guess what?

Gator is spyware, Gator IS spyware, Gator is SPYWARE, Gator manufactures nothing but spyware products.

Gator is spyware, Gator IS spyware, Gator is SPYWARE, Gator manufactures nothing but spyware products.

Gator is spyware, Gator IS spyware, Gator is SPYWARE, Gator manufactures nothing but spyware products.

Gator is spyware, Gator IS spyware, Gator is SPYWARE, Gator manufactures nothing but spyware products.

Gator is spyware, Gator IS spyware, Gator is SPYWARE, Gator manufactures nothing but spyware products.

Gator is spyware, Gator IS spyware, Gator is SPYWARE, Gator manufactures nothing but spyware products.

Google that ya dumb bastards. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to remove Gator software in the corporate environment AND from personal computers of friends & family. You can make claims about user acknowledgement all you want, but the bottom line is Gator develops, sells and regurgitates spyware. It’s a shitty product built by a shitty company with unethical business practices. Same goes for WhenU.com the pricks.

Alrighty, lunchtime is over.

Movie Review - Kill Bill

The Plot - Ambushed on her wedding day, the assassin once known as Black Mamba is betrayed by the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad headed by Bill. Severely beaten “The Bride” barely mutters to Bill the baby is his before he shoots her in the head.

The story picks up four years later as “The Bride” goes on her quest for revenge. Those that betrayed her will die starting with O-Ren Ishii (Cottonmouth), then Vernita Green (Copperhead), Budd (Sidewinder) would be next while particular attention would be paid to Elle Driver (California Mountain Snake) and last would be Bill.

Kill Bill is a revenge movie plain & simple… or is it?

The Review - By now a lot of folks may have already seen the movie or at least heard that it’s classic Tarantino and violently bloody x 100. Mr. McGee does an excellent job talking about the morality of this film and noting the nods given to previous Tarantino flicks (I thought I was the only one who noticed the “Red Apple” cigarettes). Mr. Perry points out one of the most appealing aspects of a Tarantino film - the soundtrack. As a former musician, I would agree that nobody can weave music into films so well.

Rather than post redundant kudos about the film I wanted to focus on some items only a martial arts film enthusiast like myself might know (Mr. Perry caught the Game of Death tribute). Everyone touched on the level of violence in the film and much has been made about limbs being severed and the very graphic blood spattering scenes. I can’t help but think those scenes were inspired by the movie Shogun Assassin which came out around 1980 and was banned from theatres. Also a revenge film, that movie portrayed a fallen Samurai “Lone Wolf” who traveled the countryside with his son exacting revenge on the Shogun lord who ordered his family killed. If you loved Kill Bill I highly recommend you try and watch this film. (I’ll probably watch it again this weekend just to see if Kill Bill had more gore).

Did anyone else get excited when they saw the names Sonny Chiba (he plays Hattori Hanzo) & Gordon Liu (he plays Johnny Mo) show up in the beginning credits? They were the recurring heroes when I was a kid watching “Kung Fu Theatre” with my mom after Saturday Night Live. Detroit natives might remember when radio DJ Jim Harper dressed up as Charlie Rum to host some of the best chop-sockey flicks that never starred Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee. There was the infamous Street Fighter series starring Sonny Chiba and Gordon Liu did a number of Shaolin themed films most notably Master Killer and The 36 Chambers.

I was very impressed with the fight choreography in this film. While you can argue the level of gore was probably outrageous, what struck me is the fights themselves were more fluid. Unlike the Matrix series, the fight scenes weren’t so polished that they came across as stiff & robotic. Without the wirework Keanu Reeves looked like he was pulling off an elaborate dance routine while Uma Thurman takes it on the chin several times. As Mr. McGee points out there’s nothing superhuman about Uma’s character other than her strength of will.

All in all I thoroughly enjoyed Kill Bill. For me it was a nod to all the kung fu flicks of my youth and another stellar epic by Quentin Tarantino. Chad’s probably right though - it’s not a film for everybody. Me? I’ll eagerly be anticipating Volume 2 next year.

Grade: A+++ (Rick was right, this was exactly my kind of movie)

Tag Team Blog Entry - Acidman

Today’s tag team blog entry is inspired by Acidman who posted these ten questions yesterday. I answered in his comments, but you know the drill - it’s Friday and I need content… heh heh. So without any further delay, Acidman asks:

1. Does anybody really see a correlation between the size of a man’s feet or his nose and the size of his penis?
Don’t know about anyone else, but Michelle isn’t complaining. It pays to be a well-rounded lover.

2. If you are a woman, would you ever get a tit-job? If so, why?
Speaking as a guy, I prefer a nice juicy butt to boobies. Michelle can get one if she wants, but I’d never ask her to do it for me.

3. If you are a man, would you buy a bionic Roscoe if your dick quit working? If so, why?
I’d put a splint on the little guy if that’s all I had to work with.

4. Did you ever sleep with someone and wake up in the morning unable to remember their name? If not, WHY NOT?
No, but I dated Katy, Cat, Kathy, Catherine, Karen & Kelly in succession so there were plenty of times when I screwed up the names just in conversation.

5. Which would you rather have for a pet? A DOG or a CAT? If you answer “cat,” you’ve got some serious explaining to do.
Up until recently I’ve always had both. Right now I have five cats, but the moment Michelle & I are in a bigger place we’ll be getting a pair of big dogs too. I miss my Elkhound & German Sheperd.

6. Do you eat grits for breakfast?
What’s breakfast? I’m lucky to swallow two eggs & some OJ on my way out to work.

7. What is the most dumb-ass thing you ever did in your life? Was it fun or has it haunted you for years?
This question could be several blog entries for me. For this comment I’ll say dropping out of college. I shouldn’t have been so stubborn when my mother nagged me to stay in school. It would’ve saved me the hassle of working plus night classes in my thirties.

8. Do you exceed the speed limit regularly when you drive, or just do it occasionally? Don’t tell me that you NEVER SPEED you lying shit! Tell the truth!
I got my first speeding ticket on a motorcycle when I was twelve. Yeah, I got a lead foot.

9. Describe the happiest day you can remember living.
The day I proposed to my Michelle. She responded with “So you think you can handle me huh?”

10. Do you believe that some things are worth dying for? If so, name one thing worth dying for and tell me why you feel so strongly about it.
Without hesitation I’d take a bullet for family or friends. I was also the guy that smacked the bully over the head with a chair when he was takin’ other kids lunch money. I didn’t win a lot of fights when I was younger, but I never backed down from one.

Feel free to add your answers here or visit Acidman’s original entry. (Or use that Trackback thingie, that’s always fun)

Oral Sex Prevents Breast Cancer

Dear God,

Have you read the news?

As Found On CNN: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women. (Thanks to Rick for the link)

Now that?s research I can get behind, unlike that whole cookie crumble mess.

I just wanted to say that I know I had a string of bad days and took it out on the blog. Sometimes it?s good to vent, but once the smoke subsides and your mood hits the calm, you realize there are other folks who have shitty days worse than yours.

I was indeed humbled yesterday. Yes, perception is reality and my crappy day was just that - ONE DAY. Nothing compared to someone who?s recently experienced a miscarriage, lost their job, suffered the beating from a ?loved? one or been involved in a horrific accident.

Thank you for reminding me to be appreciate life?s gifts and not to focus on the negativity. Michelle still loves me, cash in-flow has been consistent and the long hours at work & school will pay off come next spring.

In closing, I would ask that you help those that need it the most and can you please do something about folks who just don’t want to take responsibility for their actions? Really, I’m tired of people using the entertainment industry as a cop out for their behavior, but that’s a rant for another day.

Yes, it could be worse…

So the Schiavo case has been the headline of the day. I’m not going to throw too much into the debate because I agree with what Acidman said nobody will ever know what the Mrs. Schiavo wanted.

I know personally that if I was on artificial life support with no hope of recovery I’d want Michelle and my family members to pull the plug. Of course, I also take a moment to ask the question “What if being a vegetable is the best thing that ever happened to me?” There I am in a zombie-like state of bliss unable to tell everyone “Don’t pull the plug! This is soooooooooooooooo cool!” Knowing my luck lately, that’s what would happen. I’d be 70 virgins in then *blip* no more life support.

One thing I definitely don’t agree with is the state & governor sticking their nose in. Mrs. du Toit makes a valid point that this ordeal is essentially a family matter between the husband and his wife.

I know that I’m now inclined to write living will. I’m fortunate enough to have a close relationship with my family so there shouldn’t be any doubts as to what I want for myself in this life or the next. BUT if the Schiavo case sets a bad precedent I don’t want some government official sticking his/her nose in my family business.

It’s Only Tuesday…

And yet I am seemingly stuck in limbo unable to move forward. There was a time when I simply would have made the “sick” phone call and skipped work knowing full well when I woke up that it was not going to be a good day.

Knowing it’s not going to be a good day is not the same thing as waking up in a shitty mood. My mood was fine, clouded in an enormous head cold, but okay. Stubbing my toe when I stepped out of bed was just a small indication of the events to come.

Dragging in my comatose state I headed out late for work. Actually, I probably would have come in under the buzzer if not for the fender-bender I had getting onto the highway. Not a big deal, no damage or injury thank goodness, but I await the letter that will surely arrive in the next few weeks that claims thousands of $$$ in vehicular damage.

All this before 8am.

Stopped at home for lunch to pick up packages that needed to be mailed and discovered the electricity was shut off. Called the power company, was on hold for 45 minutes - the exact amount of time I spent waiting at the post office. Turns out they received my payment (I knew this because I verified the bank withdrawal), BUT they didn’t post the amount right away. So with the disconnect comes a $200 reconnect fee PLUS $100 if I wanted the power on today. Well YEAH, I wanted the power on right away. I paid the fees, called Michelle to give her a heads up and hoped the day would end soon.

Soon hasn’t arrived yet. After work I called the power company as the electricity still hadn’t been turned on. I was told earlier that we’d be good by 5pm, a second discussion moved the timetable to before midnight.

I’m up at school. Michelle’s home sitting in the dark with wet hair after taking a cold shower (which probably was reserved for me). Thank goodness the apartment temperature shot up and the humidity will dry her hair quick.

In the meantime, I’m still up here at class until 11:30pm. I’ll get home about midnight and hope the power is on. If not, the cold shower waiting for me will be the most pleasant part of tomorrow…

Mr. McGee has your sunshine right here | Mr. Perry may be the “Angel of Death“ but Rob knows I wrote the definition of EVIL

Friday’s Tag Team Blog Entry

Once again, I’ve chosen to step on the shoulders of someone else’s creativity as inspiration for today’s post. Actually today’s entry is nothing more than several jokes strung together, but it was Mr. Perry who gave me the idea to joke about cops & traffic violations. So without any further introduction…

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then we need a urine sample.”

“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

“All right then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

====

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and “WHACK”, the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “What the hell was that for?”

The trooper says, “You’re in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.”

The driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”

The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and “WHACK”, the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too.

The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”

The trooper says, “Just making your wish come true.”

The passenger says, “Huh?”

The trooper says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say ’I wish that jerk would’ve tried that crap with me.’”

====
Teach `em young.
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem — a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD.” The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full of change.

Has anyone tried this?
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo — of handcuffs.

Tips for the ladies.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.” He replied, “Highway patrolmen don’t have balls.” There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

A punchline I have actually used to get out of a ticket.
A guy gets pulled over for speeding. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.”

The guy replied, “Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were him and you were trying to give her back to me!”

Next Page »